Before I began my journey with Jesus Christ I felt like I had nobody to turn to. I felt so alone. I had kept the sexual abuse a secret for fifteen years and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone and I didn’t know what else to do. I never confessed what had happened until I was asked about it. I remember being so scared to say anything and I thought to myself how does this person know. Well, it had happened to others as well. I was shocked. I didn’t even realize or think that it was going on with anyone else. I thought my God this can’t be true. I honestly don’t know if I ever would have said anything about it hadn’t someone else spoke up about it. I just wanted to forget about it like it was a bad dream.
I went through the stages of grief after the abuse came out in the open. I was so mad for the longest time. I was mad that somebody had spoken up about it. I wasn’t trying to take away from what had happened to them, but it would really upset me because it was my business and I didn’t want everyone to know. I felt shameful about it, I didn’t want to talk about. I thought it was disgusting.
I became resentful and created a hate for the abuser. I felt like they ruined my life. I was never going to be the same again. I would never commit suicide, but the thought ran through my mind a bunch of times. I really just wanted to die at the time. I felt like I wasn’t even alive. I was just coasting through life numb with pain and a fear to move to forward. My confidence was shattered.
Thankfully I hit rock bottom after abusing drugs and getting in trouble with the law. I realized this was not how I was going to live my life. I had to confront the demons of my past if I was going to move forward.
I had wanted to go to counseling for a long time, but I felt so ashamed of even telling anyone. I decided one day that I would give it a try and see what happens. It was hard to trust people, so of course I had to check the person out before I decided that I was going to say anything.
My counselor had recommended trying going to church as a way to heal. At first I thought she was crazy. The abuse distorted my image of God and affected my ability to seek and trust Him. Growing up Jewish I decided to try attending temple. I didn’t really connect with any of the temples, so I gave up.
About a year later I was back in a deep depression. I had come across a book by Joyce Meyer called Battlefield of the Mind and I remember the scripture Philippians 4:6 sticking out to me. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” I knew Jesus was trying to reach out to me. I had known all about Jesus, but I didn’t know Him. I had no one to turn to so I figured why not give him a chance. I had many questions and my heart yearned for the answers.
It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve grown in Christ. Satan wants us to believe God is not good and does not care, but God is never blind to the sins that hurt His people. I find comfort in Jesus because he brings hope for today and tomorrow and, most certainly, hope for dealing in victory with hurtful past circumstances. God redeemed my pain and used it to bring healing to others. While scars remain, God gives healing grace.
“Just fight a little a longer my friend. It’s all worth it in the end but when you got nobody to turn to just hold on and I’ll find you” ~Lacrae ft Tori Kelly “I’ll find you”